New Year’s has been my favorite holiday for most of my adult life. I even love the name. Fresh starts, setting goals, and the thought of progressing lights my fire. Each year I try to inspire myself and my family toward better. That is, until this latest pregnancy.
See, for almost two months I’ve been simply putting one foot in front of the other, truly only completing the necessary basics. All the extra activities and ministries that give me joy and make me feel productive have simply been shed to focus on the greatest priorities (Bible reading, prayer, taking care of my family, etc). Guilt and frustration were my initial responses. I felt useless- ready to get back to checking off boxes, but completely unable.
Here’s the ugly, thick, stubborn root behind those feelings: I am in control. The truth is that I am not ever for one small second in any bit of control. Any progress I make, any goals I meet, any success I may find in any area of my life is directly given by God, the Giver of all good things. Even the desire to do good is placed inside of me by Him. If at any moment He decides to change it up, I’m completely at His mercy. I am nothing. What a priceless, humiliating lesson for me.
Serving the Lord is so rewarding for me, because I feel as though I’m giving something back to Him after all He’s done for me. The fact is, though, He doesn’t NEED my service, and I’m only doing what He’s allowing me to do. He grants me the ability to serve Him and reap the blessings because of His goodness. In a wink, I can find myself stripped of all desire, motivation, and inspiration and come face-to-face with who I really am without those gifts. That’s where I stand today- humbled and recognizing my need for His strength and empowerment in each moment of my life. How thankful I am for that recognition! While I may have no real desire to pray or read my Bible (it hurts to type this) and no wonderful emotions or feelings following these practices, I will cling to what I know to be true- that my strength and very life flow from Him and that He is faithful to work in me in due time. I will remember all the answered prayers of the past and the promises He’s made to me and stand on them.
Easter might be my new favorite holiday. I’ll look forward to outwardly celebrating the great work Christ has done for me and resting in simply trusting and obeying Him.
“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” James 1:17
“He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. And He is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything He might be preeminent. For in Him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of His cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, He has now reconciled in His body of flesh by His death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before Him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard, which has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, became a minister.” Colossians 1:15-23
Father, You are my Maker, my Redeemer, and the One who holds everything together for me and around me. Forgive me for thinking I am anything without You. Thank You for seeing past my pride and gently revealing hard truths to me. Uphold me, strengthen me, and sustain me through these dry seasons. Open my eyes to the things You want to show me. Deepen my love and desire for You. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.