Scattered. That’s me today. And yesterday. Everything I’ve tried to pull together has absolutely crumbled. I can usually keep my house fairly organized, my children loved on, my to do list at a “doable” level, and myself pretty upbeat. Did you catch that? “I can.” I fear that’s the problem. There is a prideful mentality behind the whole operation. I know this. God has revealed this to me before; however, even though I confess it and lean on God for a while, I always wind up back in the same place. Things start going so well, I start feeling pretty good, and here comes the pride grandly marching back into my head and trickling out through my mouth.
God in His mighty and merciful love for me allows things to start slipping out of my control. I wish my first response was to recognize the problem right off, but nope. I whine. I try to step myself up a notch to accomplish everything. To my great surprise, I fail…again. I find my thoughts swirling and my heart overwhelmed trying to figure out just what the problem may be and am always led to confession. Writing this post is quite humbling, as my friends and family who have heard me whining get to see just what the root of the problem is- pride…again. There are also those who have gotten to experience some of the everyday consequences from my attempts at control. My poor, pregnant friend who had a miserable week and was expecting me to deliver a decent meal to her family, instead received one of the blandest dishes I’ve ever made. (That’s saying a lot, because I’m not a good cook.) After I returned home and tasted the replica meal I had made our family that night, I realized I had left out the salt. The SALT.
I have been reading my Bible everyday and bringing my requests before God each morning, but sensing that something is missing. This morning I decided I would spend extra time being still before the Lord. Well, I would do that after I cleaned the house to make myself feel in order when I sat down to spend that time with God. Two hours later found me exhausted from turning my son’s freshly used potty chair back upright, cleaning up two other potty accidents, scrubbing the bathroom floor three times, giving him two baths, and tending to the new load of dirty laundry just generated. Oh, and a chocolate milk incident occurred that my sweet daughter cleaned up because she sensed I was about to explode, I’m sure.
What is it about being still that is so blooming hard for me? I know the goodness, the peace, and the joy that stems from that time in God’s presence. I’ve experienced it countless times; and yet, something in me still thinks other tasks are a bit more important and pressing. I say, write, and advise others of this concept over and over, but find myself checking off the daily Bible reading and prayer boxes without giving the Lord any extra. Those potty accidents were, in fact, no accident- neither was the missing salt, the perfectly timed donation of boxes of random items that found their way to our kitchen floor, the five voices all saying “Mommy” at the same time, the latest dose of difficult news, the second power outage of the week, the throbbing headache. Each of these were added to the next for a variety of reasons I may never fully know. I am sure, however, that one reason was to bring me to my knees before the Lord.
Throughout the morning, as I tried to organize my house, my thoughts, and my soul, one phrase of a verse recurred in my mind. “He has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.” This is not a verse I had memorized. I had read it once and pondered the meaning of it, praying that the Lord would grant me understanding of its full meaning. Well, here it is being played out by me. (Couldn’t He reveal the meaning by showing me someone else messing up? No, because that would have made me prouder. Sigh.) The pride of thinking I’m in charge, of thinking I should choose the priority of the activities in my life, of choosing those items that I believe will bring me the most pleasure- that pride is causing my thoughts and my entire life to be scattered. It’s the opposite of the peace and joy my soul craves.
I’m choosing to rest in the presence of God now. Worship is the salt that I have left out and is the opposite of placing myself in charge. Only God is ultimately in control and worthy of guiding my life and my decisions. Will the potty accidents stop? Will the kitchen magically clean itself? Will the difficult news cease? No. My thoughts, however, will be directed toward thankfulness and order rather than fear, frustration, and chaos. My God is worthy of my praise and all of my time. When the confusion begins, I must learn to stop and worship. This means sitting still before the Lord, dwelling on the mighty acts of goodness He’s done for me in the past, and thanking Him. How simple this is. These are the verses I will write in my journal today and dwell on throughout the rest of this week. And my prayer for the rest of the day will simply be “Thank you!”
“He has performed mighty deeds with His arm; He has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.” Luke 1:51
“Every grain offering of yours, moreover, you shall season with salt, so that the salt of the covenant of your God shall not be lacking from your grain offering; with all your offerings you shall offer salt.” Leviticus 2:13
“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9
“Yours, Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is Yours. Yours, Lord, is the kingdom; You are exalted as head over all.” 1 Chronicles 29:11